Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
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