the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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