yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
