I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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