Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Randomize
