they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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