i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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