I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
