my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
we're making bets on your personal life
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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