What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
