I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
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