i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
