dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
