I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
