My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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