my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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