I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
