Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
