Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
