I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
