The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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