just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Randomize
