Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
