Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
