Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Randomize
