I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
