My underwear smells like fireworks.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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