dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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