I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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