the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i dont even know how to be here
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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