For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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