I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
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