my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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