I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
