alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
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