a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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