I feel great
I just peed on a car
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
