i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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