So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
