Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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