I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
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