Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
