Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
