Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
