thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
