I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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