I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
