If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize