That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
