Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
