"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
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