Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
