I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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