I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
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