i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Randomize
