you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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