yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
