Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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